This Weekend/Scaling back?

[captnjeter]

As I said in the shout box, this weekend was a huge downer... really towards the end. For those unaware, I've been talking to this girl (Liz) who lives about five hours away (she's up by Utica, NY, I'm on the Island) and I've really started to like her. She had a flute recital this weekend and asked me if I liked to come and, having nothing better to do, I said yeah. I took two older friends with me (who are engaged to each other) and they set me up with a hotel room and I did the driving.

Nothing major happened on Saturday, so I'll cut to the chase and describe today. I went to her recital and she seemed excited to see me and gave me a couple of hugs throughout the day. When the recital was over there were refreshments and I stayed with her, met some of her friends. Everyone cleared out and I still had a few hours until I needed to leave (my friends went to see a movie) so I asked if she wanted to go somewhere to eat and to my delight she said yes. We had dinner, a nice conversation, I drove her back to her place, blew her a kiss and then left on cloud nine, blaring U2 in delirium.

On the way back home I stopped at a rest stop to use the restroom and checked facebook and saw a message from the girl saying "I need to talk to you", and right there I knew something was wrong. Now the next part may get confusing. We start driving again, and my friend gets a text from our mutual friend that Liz asked her friend to try and convince me not to come up to her graduation party next month because she didn't feel the same way about me. So for the next three hours, I drove my two friends and I around Long Island trying to cope with this disaster.

I think Liz is going to call me tomorrow and the clouds that have gathered are finally going to break into a storm. So I feel like shit because this probably won't end well for me and I'm still trying how to get a fucking girlfriend. Because in the six miserable years I've tried to get one, it always ends up in a god damned disaster! You have no idea how much this pissed me off. It's 4 AM and instead of trying to sleep after an 8 hour car trip (with all the additional driving around locally), I'm here writing all of this stuff out just to get rid of the anger! It's just the absolute worst feeling right now, worse than heart surgery, worse than failing a test, worse than ANYTHING!

Which leads me to this... you guys know I love all of you, but I can't be playing games every night anymore. I love it and it's so much fun, but the one thing I want more than anything else is a girlfriend and I would do anything to make sure that happened. Now I won't be quitting altogether, but I just need to step back and really look at what I really want and how to get it. I'll still try to be at practices, but if there's a Wednesday night or a Saturday night with nothing going on, I'd rather be out trying to find someone than be on here.

[Brocman]

That sounds terrible, I feel for ya man. But there are women out there that enjoy playing video games too. Don't think you have to stop forever.

[Kamui]

Finding someone is not an easy task, I Should know as I haven't been successful. However Jeter, don't try to rush into finding a relationship, I have found that doing that will make you an emotional wreak at least for me it was.

Hang in there, I feel your pain. I won't hold you back from trying to accomplish your goal though man, I hope you truly succeed in finding someone for you man.

[EagleOne]

Well Jeter I can't tell you how many times I have ended up in the friends zone. That used to piss me off to no end. It seemed like anything I did always got me there. I could never understand what the hell I was doing wrong, plus the fact that these broads always liked the no good rotten ones. They always went for the guys that they know in the long run are going to fuck them over. So I came up with a theory "A girl must first get fucked over in order to get her shit straight"

Now that I have made it to the top, I run into old friends (girls) that I wanted to have dealings with but I am married now. They always tell me, "I should have hooked up with you, Damn I blew my chance when I had it". It's like now the realize what they could have had but instead they went with door number 1.

All in all, it will happened when you least expect it. I am pretty sure there is a long island girl with the same problem, she can't find anybody either.

P.S I went to another country before I found my wife lol

[TheRealHanSolo]

Jeter I am sorry to hear about your shitty weekend, but hey girlfrien LITERALLY just broke up with me before I got on my plane to come home. Not trying to out do ya but hey it happens. Listen dude like everyone said go out and have a good time but if you are TRYING to find someone it won't happen. It always happens when you aren't looking. So go out with your friends and have a good time but just go out to have fun and to enjoy YOUR time. Do not go to the bar "looking" for someone, girls oddly enough pick up on stuff like that. Girls like assholes. Go ahead someone try and prove me wrong but girls like guys who are confident and humorous, even if it comes across making you look like a dick. Do not let the girl know TOO much about you, the more you keep them guessing the more they find you interesting. I am sure everyone here will give you advice and you can take what you want and ignore what you want but the most important thing I will tell you again is just go out and have fun and do not look like you are looking for someone. You are going out for yourself to have fun and not to pick up chicks, IF that happens it happens, if it doesn't then you come home and you get on your Xbox and play with us.

[keyser28146]

Eagle's dead on.

The friendzone sucks, but don't be afraid of it. Having to drive 5 hours to end up in the friend zone is REALLY a slap in the face, not to mention the money wasted.

There are a few things you can do, but they don't seem like they would help. I don't know how old you are, or what your place in life is, but one thing is true: if you are looking, you won't find anything, unless you are good at APPEARING like you aren't looking. When I was younger I was "the nice guy" that was damned to the friends zone constantly. It sucks, and I do know how you feel. Rather have been hated than banished to the friend zone. Nothing worse than having a woman you want WANT to be near you, because you are the "safe" guy. It sounds like you are younger (I'd guess 18-22), not because of maturity at all, but because of the immaturity of the girl to tell her effing friend to convince you not to come to her graduation party. That's really selfish and it sucks.

I wouldn't advise you to quit playing games... but I would advise picking up some other hobbies.

I would also advise that some of these hobbies would be designed to give you more confidence. Don't get cocky, and don't toot your own horn, but healthy confidence is a chick magnet.

Playing a musical instrument, photography, theater, and a few other hobbies require a lot of time and study. You have to think about a lot of things and learn new stuff. This will give you confidence. These hobbies ALSO give you topics to talk about that really interest women. Learning an instrument requires a lot of time, but if you are musically inclined could be awesome for you... as well as make you some money.

Photography is more expensive to get into initially (figure a grand or maybe two) but you can learn it fairly quickly and will make you plenty of money and get you noticed a LOT of places. People notice a really nice camera and you'll notice girls asking you a lot about what you do and all that. I didn't realize until I bought one that women really LOVE photography. Think about it... how many women do you know that won't stop and look and go through a photo album? Women generally are drawn to cameras. They want headshots, great looking myspace pictures, whatever, so the hottest girl in the room will come talk to YOU.

Theater may or may not be your gig. But you will meet a LOT of people, and they are really widely divergent... so you will be sure to meet some interesting people and have some stories , maybe make a little money.

Those are some BIGGER things you can do that will make you more well rounded with a broader range of experiences. These things will also make you money. And let you meet a LOT of girls. I am a natural romantic, but the cold hard fact is that it really is a numbers game. You need to meet hundreds. Some things that will improve your odds:

- Read a lot. The classics. I read everything that Dostoevsky and Tolstoy wrote years ago. These two guys alone will tell you everything you need to know about life. They are tough reads because of the Russian patriarchal naming system, but fantastic and will really broaden your way of thinking.

- Exercise. When I play SOCOM, when I die I have to do a set of 50 crunches, a bunch of push-ups, chest flex reps, dumbbell curls, etc. I rotate exercises and all that, but the point is the same... get in better shape. It will help your confidence in addition to making you look better. If you wake up sore, you have done enough, if not, you need to push yourself harder. Exercise has a TON of effects on your physiology.

When you meet girls, do so with the mentality that you are putting THEM in the friend zone, and only by trying real hard can they break out of it. Don't SAY any of this. But there is a HUGE difference in "Hi, it was great meeting you, maybe we could go out sometime, could I have your number?" and "I had fun talking... I'm not looking for a relationship or anything, but if you wanted to go get some coffee that'd be cool". #1 makes them wary, #2 makes them think "WHY ISNT HE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME???" even if they had NO INTEREST in you, and hits them in the place that drives them nuts: their curiosity.

Most women have poor self image. The prettier they are, the bigger the chance this is true. If you come at them with how great they are, they think you are bullshitting. Be nice, be a gentleman, pay attention to them. They respond to confidence because most women don't have it, and they also respond strongly to a good listener.

As much as the friendzone sucks, don't fight it with the ones that put you there. Enforce the rules. When they call you up and want you to take them to dinner and a movie as a friend simply say yes if you like, but DO NOT PAY. Having good female friends is actually a good thing. You'll enjoy them a lot more than you will a lot of the relationships you get yourself into. The friendzone has a way of reversing polarity after a while... often as not the girl comes to be crazy about you and you lose interest in them, no matter how hot or great they are... will also give you a HUGE insight into women.

Do not get full of your own shit though. Don't get cocky, and treat everyone well. The more hobbies you have the more girls you will meet. Be a gentleman and don't say too much. Always leave them wanting more and end the conversation upbeat and FRIENDLY. It's very weird but a girl can be crazy about you and you show interest and her immediately lose it. Took me YEARS to learn that.

Don't worry, focus on broadening yourself and the women will find you.

[MajinTony]

- Exercise. When I play SOCOM, when I die I have to do a set of 50 crunches, a bunch of push-ups, chest flex reps, dumbbell curls, etc. I rotate exercises and all that, but the point is the same... get in better shape. It will help your confidence in addition to making you look better. If you wake up sore, you have done enough, if not, you need to push yourself harder. Exercise has a TON of effects on your physiology.

No wonder you camp so much, you're just trying to avoid working out :D

It may be tough right now Jeter, but here's a piece of wisdom I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that gets me through tough times:

"And this too, shall pass."

[norm]

Dear Jeter

I bet now you wish you had taken picture of her boobies and sent them to me, I mean post them...lol


Playing games, going out for drinks, or anything you do won't change if you get a girl or if you don't. You'll still be you with the same need and insecurities you have now. Girls can smell the desperation and they aren't attracted to it. Once you realize you can have fun and you're and do whatever without a girl you're get a girl. It's the funniest thing, the second you don't care about getting a date you'll get 20 of them. Your in college so go out and have some fun with girls in your area. Don't pressure any girl, obsess over her or try and be the perfect guy. You're not being yourself if you do those things.

Next thing you need to know is that girls are stupid. As much as you worry and what not they are twice as bad. They will change their minds, frustrate and baffle the fuck out of you. They have no idea what they want and are just as insecure as you are. They are just better at hiding it. Just be glad she cut it off now and not let you fly all the way to NH. When (if) she breaks up with you. Be nice, tell her you had a great time and if she's out in you area to give you a call. Nothing more and nothing less should be said.


After the breakup you need to do a couple of things. Go to a bar, get drunk and make out with a girl. Next night get drunk and hit the strip club. Hell during your drunken make out session ask the girl how she feels about strippers and invite her along..lol.. Give yourself a couple of days of debauchery and get over it. From there have a little fun, go out meet some folks, chainsaw some people and don't stress it.

[The_Blunt]

I'm sorry to hear about that Jeter. I know how it is.
The last girl that I dated, we went out for 3 years and she put me in the friendzone.

It was heartbreaking for a long time because she was really the perfect girl for me.
She was an artist with the same interests in music, TV shows, etc.
But there was one huge problem. She couldn't tell the truth to save her life.
All she did was lie to me. Even though I kept telling her "finding out that you're lying hurts me more than when you tell me the truth."
She would still lie.

So even though she was perfect for me in every way,
there was that one problem that would never allow me to trust her.

It took me a long time to get over her, but now I don't care anymore.

I was always that romantic gentleman that would write a song or a poem for a girl.
But that never got me ANYWHERE when I was younger.
They always went for my asshole friend who MADE IT CLEAR that he just wanted to get in their pants.
So no more Mr. Nice Guy from me.

but one thing is true: if you are looking, you won't find anything,

This is so true. All of the girlfriends that I have had, I found them completely at random.
I found one of them just sitting under a jungle gym in a park,
in some random town, smoking weed with my friends.

The girl I dated for 3 years was introduced to me at my house by some random girl that I met uptown a couple of days before that.
She started to listen to the music that I was making (..back when I used to make music) and she started to like me.
Things just happen at random like that.
You won't do much good looking, well, unless you go on one of those online dating sites. ;)

[Muncher]

Next thing you need to know is that girls are stupid.

Don't tell Kim that. lol

[captnjeter]

Well being patient hasn't worked so I'm going to try doing the opposite of being patient. I always tell myself with these things to be "patient". Well guess where that's gotten me? Nowhere. So I'm tired of being patient. The only way I've met girls ever is by meeting them in school. Kinda hard to do that in the summer. So I'm not going to be patient. It may be as fruitless as anything else that I've tried, but at least I will have tried this way.

[keyser28146]

No. Patience is a virtue when you have a girl. Being patient with a female friend is not good and won't lead to anything.

I'd like to take exception Norm. I've found that guys are stupid and woman are actually crazy. Once you accept the fact that you are stupid, and the women you are thinking are so cool are, in fact, illogical and completely insane, you kind of put in the cheat code for life.

One thing to always keep in mind:

No matter how cool, sexy, awesome, friendly, or otherwise attractive a girl is, there is someone somewhere who is COMPLETELY sick of her shit and with good reason. This one piece of info had eluded me for years, but once you realize it is 100% true it makes things a little easier.

[Muncher]

I think the Rolling Stones said it the best.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OISU5jy35H8"]YouTube - You can always get what you want (Live Argentina 2006)[/ame]

[Zabka]

Best piece of advice I learned...but took me a long time to really get effectively...is to just not care. Striking out is a virtue. Being able to tell friends about how you got shut down and laugh about it makes the experience all the richer. I once played a game with friends called Red Baron. The goal was to see who could get shot down the most in a night, but in reality, we were all happy to lose...it was just about getting over the self-consciousness that can sometimes throw off your game. None of us played it like assholes, but we talked to as many women as we could and worked whatever angle we could. The game ended up being very successful for me. In addition, getting over the self-consciousness really changes your approach to women and how they perceive you.

You can't let other people have the power over your own self-perception. That being said, your own humility should keep you in check. You can't be arrogant or a jerk either--you get the wrong type of girl if at all. But if you can truly not care about the consequences, then you will find: 1. it will enhance your game; or 2. you don't care when you do strike out since that's the whole point.

[RaTix]

We had a similar game, or something. We called them PAAC nights, "Pussy At All Costs". You'd start off with the good looking girls, but by the end of the night if you were still striking out, Grab what you can. And those that have been in bars when they are closing, know what type of options you are left with. Oh and of course you would all be trying to get each other drunk as shit so they ended up stumbling to the fat ugly girl at the end of the night.